Feeling This
by rainb0w-sunshine
Summary: As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop looking at Clare Edwards. Soft, but piercing blue eyes. Delicate, light brown curls that stopped right around her chin. Creamy, pale skin. She was perfect. Too perfect to ever go for a guy like me. Adam Torres. M for smut later on xx
1. Tell Him!

As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop looking at Clare Edwards. Soft, but piercing blue eyes. Delicate, light brown curls that stopped right around her chin. Creamy, pale skin. She was perfect. Too perfect to ever go for a guy like me. Adam Torres.

I'm an FTM, female-to-male transgender. I was born as Gracie Raine Torres. Ever since I was young, I've never liked the 'girly' things. Dresses, dolls, bows, dressing up,having long hair, princess crap. Always hated it.I was more into adventure, playing in the mud, climbing trees, wrestling. All averge boy types of things. The problem? I was not.

At age 8 is when I began to realize I was a boy. That was the age when lots of kids started to develop crushes. I didn't like anybody, but I did think lots of the girls in my class were gorgeous. It wasn't just the typical –girly- friendly -thing to think your friend was pretty, I actually thought of it in the 'I steal double takes on you because your freaking attractive to me'.

Two years ago I started to burn myself with a hair clip. The pain felt good to me, I could'nt stop. It was like an obsession.

A few days after my third time burning myself, my step-mother, Audra, saw the burns. She was extremely disappointed and worried, and I had no choice but to tell her I was a boy, and I was going to stop pretending like I was fond of the stupid skirts and dresses she made me wear. She tried to convince me that I was a tomboy and a lesbian, but I wasn't. I never have been, never will be. I'm a guy. 100% dude, it's just that I'm missing a few parts. But I don't believe _that _defines your gender identity. It's a between the ears thing that makes up your gender.

At Degrassi is where the real me ,Adam Joseph Torres, was first shown to the world. Once I came to my new school, in a new country, I was afraid I wouldn't blend in with the rest of the boys. It took awhile for me to be confident that I was, and boy does _'awhile'_ mean **ages.**

In only the first week of school, I made friends with a gothic dude named Eli. That dude is now my best friend, and I couldn't be luckier. Eli is a pretty short guy, not as short as me, but still, he _is_ a year older. Eli has black hair and green eyes. He loves comic books and video games, just like me. A friendship made in heaven you may call it.

I also made buddies with a guy named Sav. He is pretty cool, we never got close or anything, but he did drive me and Eli to a Dead Hand concert, our all time favorite band, so I do consider him as a hero of mine.

Let's not forget when Owen and Mark, aka Fitz, cornered me into the Boys bathroom and Owen threw me into a glass door. That was amazingly painful, it took weeks to recover. On another note, let's talk about Clare shall we?

"Aaadddaaaammm… Heeellllooo, Adam? "BRO!" Eli startled me. "Damn dude, what's up?!" I asked frightened and jumpy.

" Correct me if I'm wrong, but were you just staring at Clare Edwards?" Eli raised his eyebrows several times. I lightley chuckled.

"Maybe, I can't really remember since you basically gave me a heart attack about 10 seconds ago." I laughed.

"Sorry about that dude," Eli apologized, "now what I was asking about, were you looking at Clare?"

"I umm.. I was just.. uh... Yeah.. I guess so," I awkwardly admitted.

"I knew you liked her!" Eli whispered to me excitedly.

" I never said I did you know," I told him. Eli rolled his eyes jokingly.

"Dude, I know you. I can easily tell you have a crush on her. So, when did you discover this thing for Clare?" Eli laughed.

"Well, I admit that she caught my eye the first time I noticed her, which was the first day of English. And I guess I've kinda liked her for a few weeks now." I told for the first time.

"Why did'nt you just tell me, Adam? I can keep a secret." Eli smiled.

" I don't know, I wasn't really ready to tell anyone I guess, I still can't believe I'm telling you this right now." ~RINGGG~ Period 3 was over.


	2. Chapter 2

As the bell rang to start the 7 minute break 'til Period 4, I fast walked over to my locker, trying to avoid Eli. I felt a bit awkward and tense for telling him I liked her, even though I barley said anything to him.

But of course, Period 4 totally would be lunch time, right? So I was forced to still be with Eli and talk to him. Just my luck.

Eli walked over to my locker with a grin on his face, but it faded when he saw my crazy, nervous, panda looking face.

"Dude, are you okay?" Eli asked me.

"I'm just a bit… jumbled up about this _whole _Clare thing. I know it's not a big deal or anything, but telling you also made me realize that man, this is real. I don't wanna get hurt by this. I've never had real feelings for a girl before and-" I was saying as Eli cut me off of my own rambling.

"Adam it's cool, just chill out man. You'll be fine," He reassured me, extending his arm to place a hand on my left shoulder. I replied with a small smile.

After Eli and I had finished our lunches we packed, we walked out of the cafeteria and sat outside by the big, green, leafy trees.

"So what comics did you bring today?" I asked.

"The 5 newest issues of 'The Goon', 2 from 'Miracleman', 1 'Witchblade', and 3 'Spawn' issues," Eli answered.

As soon as Eli was done telling me what comics he brought, I noticed that Clare Edwards was walking to us.

"Hey Eli," Clare said.

"_**What." **_I thought to myself as my stomach dropped a bit.

"Hey..?" Eli said, in more of a question than a response.__

"I was wondering if you could lend me the math notes from yesterday, I left early before math," she told Eli.

Eli didn't respond for a few, _long _seconds. It was like he was.. ..staring at her..? More like staring into her. In fact he was. He was looking into her intoxicating, beautiful, blue eyes.

Anger, confusement, sadness, hurt, and betrayal feelings were all going through me at once. Yeah yeah, I take things too seriously, I'm aware. But I did like Clare, and hadn't I _just_ told Eli that?! Was he seriously just going to forget what I said and go for her!?

No, I was just over thinking. Right? There's no way he would like her anyways, she's too… soft.

I could see Eli going for some tough, punky, motorcycle chick with dark green hair and a leather jacket with band buttons and patches. Not an adorable bookworm like Clare.

" Ahh—yeahh. Let me just get them out of my folder." Eli said in a weird tone. He got out a black folder, _***shocker***_ and handed her the papers with perfect hand writing of the notes, some doodles of random rockets and Tim Burton-ey looking characters, and a bit of quotes from songs.

"Thanks Eli, I'll be sure to give you your papers back in the beginning of math class," Clare smiled.

"Yeah… no problem," he said in a confused and intrigued tone, which made me nervous.

"I'm gonna go… class starts soon, and I can't afford another detention." Eli awkwardly stated. He didn't give me a chance to respond and just quickly walked away.

The rest of the school day had me worrying. I kept asking myself questions about Eli.

I hoped that I could get the weird, and confusing incounter out of my head, or at least be able to know what the hell exactly happened back there.

The last bell of the day finally rang, and I was so happy to get out of there.

I just wanted to get home, play some video games, finish my small amout of homework I had left, pig out, and freely think about Eli's oddness towards Clare,then me, without having a teacher to tell me to stop my daydreaming.

I played Grand Theft Auto 3 for a while, I would get _**so **_pissed when my damn Ambulance trunk would flip uncontrollably while it was on fire, you can never get out of that mess, and then the stupid truck would blow up and kill me. I'm glad I don't live in Liberty City… crazy shit's always going down in that hell hole.

After finishing the morcel of homework I had, I moved on to pigging out and thinking about what happened today. I dipped my tortilla chip into some delicious Tostino's nacho cheese, and started to think. I layed on my couch, trying to think of reasons why he acted the way he did, but nothing came up. My mind was blank.

I said nevermind to it, and continued to snack on my chips and various dips.

In the middle of that night, I was even _dreaming_ about Eli and Clare. In my super weird dream, no no, more like nightmare, Eli and Clare were making-out on a bench and started to eat dozens of mini eclairs. Then this wolf dressed like a mariachi band member attacked me and said he was sent from Agent Goldsworthy, aka Eli.

It made no sense at all. I woke up from the dream, barley able to remember the whole thing. I shook off the utter nonsense and drifted back into slumber.

**Authors Note: Sorry for the weird ass ending, I have issues. So, what do you think will happen next?! :0 Stay tuned! Rainb0wsunshine out xx**


	3. Chapter 3

It was finally Saturday. BOOYAH! The last time I had talked to Eli was yesterday, when Clare asked Eli for the math notes.

I was a little worried to text Eli, but I did.

I didn't want him to ignore me, or text me that he's starting to like Clare. I wanted answers, but I hoped that wasn't it.

**Text Adam: Hey Eli. What's up? **

I sighed to myself," Can Eli just text me back already? I'm waiting for answers, man."

15 minutes later, and I finally got a text from Eli.

**Text** **Eli: Hey dude, playing Skyrim. How about you?**

** Text Adam: Just chillin' I guess. Hey, do you wanna come over today and go do something? **

** Text Eli: Sure. When do you want me over?**

** Text Adam: Whenever. Now, 10 minutes?**

** Text Eli: I'm in Morty. I'll see you soon.**

I left the conversation at that, and I waited anxiously for Eli to arrive. After a few minutes, I heard a familiar car door close. Eli was here.

Eli walked in, it's practiaclly his second house, he doesn't need to knock anymore, and slammed a few comic books on my kitchen counter.

"Hey Adam," Eli greeted.

"Hey dude, how's it goin'? I asked.

"Pretty good," Eli smirked, "so, did you have anything in mind for us to do?"

"Yeah actually. Do you want to maybe walk around the park for awhile, or.. something..?" I asked lamely. Going for a walk in the park was so not Eli's thing, but I knew he'd say yes anyways.

"Random," Eli laughed, "but sure."

Eli drove us in Morty to the park. It was a comfortably silent drive.

We listened to some Dead Hand for a good 5 minutes, and arrived at our destination.

"Wanna go sit by the family of trees?" I asked, hoping to get an answer about the thing with Clare yesterday.

"Sure,"He responded.

We sat down at the park on a huge field of grass with loads of trees. Eli brought the comics books that he drove over to my house, over to the park for us to read.

"So.. I brought-" Eli started as I cut him off.

"Wait, can I ask you a question?" I asked anxiously.

"I guess so, what's up?" Eli asked me, a bit concerned.

"Well, yesterday, a-at school.. during lunch.. What was that about..?" I asked, feeling like I was going to throw up with nerves.

"What are you talking about?" He asked confused.

"Well I mean yesterday, when Clare walked up, you were acting.. a bit strange. Almost like you, I don't know… liked her..? You were so quiet and kind of just staring at her." I admitted.

"Oh dude," Eli laughed as I gave a totally confused look,"I forgot to tell you, I've been taking anxiety meds that my doctor prescribed to me."

"Wait, huh?" I asked confused and worried.

"Yep, they've been making me have slow reflexes from time to time. Not to mention I've been getting a bit confused often, and forgetful. I'm going back in a couple days to ask my doc to lower the amount or whatever to not make me so nuts," Eli chuckled.

"Oh! Oh my gosh, Eli. I feel so stupid right now," I lightly laughed.

Eli laughed, "You shouldn't, I should've told you but I completely blanked, hence the forgetfulness."

"It's totally fine, dude. So, why have you been needing anxiety medicine?" I asked in a sad tone of course. Eli's my best friend, it makes me upset when he's not feeling okay.

"I don't know what's giving me anxiety, to be honest. I've been having sleepless nights, feeling numb, like I'm going to die sometimes, and my mom wants me to get a therapist to know what's causing it." Eli stated,a bit choked up.

"Oh man Eli, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do to help, just ask me, and I'll be there for you bro." I said to Eli very honestly.

"Thanks Adam, it means a lot," Eli genuinly smiled.

Eli drove us back to my house to read some comics and hang out instead of frying in the heat at the park.

I felt so bad for Eli, I couldn't believe I was worried about him liking Clare when really it was his new medicine making him act so strange.

"Again. I'm really sorry about that Eli," I told.

"It's cool. I hope you know I'd never get in the way of you liking Clare, right?"

"I do, I can't believe I ever thought that you would," I said feeling bad.

"Don't worry man, let's just play some Halo dude," Eli laughed.

"Hell yes!" I said loudly as we pulled up to my house.

**Authors Note: I'm sorry I haven't had much Clare D; I'll have her in the next chapter I promise, or I am? ;D Stay tuned awesome viewers! xx**


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